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One month a Vegan: The Untold Truth

Study on human behavior after a radical (pro-tempore) transformation in habits

snoopdog-stewart

di Francesco Querci

PREFACE

Asceticism is the new hipster. There is no questioning that.

In times of austerity and moral commandments, there is nothing nobler than depriving ourselves from our most deep-rooted passions. Society will blame us as rebels, will avoid us as lepers, will fear us as gangsters. But in the end they will realize our way is right, and they will join us.

You may laugh, sir, but some folks do brag aloud like this.

Vegans are the modern day saints who leave the lewdness of the masses to aspire for greater glory. They consider themselves enlighted spirits that wander the Earth in search of redemption for mankind. On my side, I have always been a little slow at fully understanding them. So I thought to myself that if I wanted more insights, I should as well join the enemy.

I became a vegan for one month. On the 8th of December I served my time, completing the 4-week catharsis with this article. You ought to know that food is of utmost importance in my life, and I specifically love its almighty power to gather people. So I felt that being deprived of it (or better, the meaningful part of it) would be like Bilzerian giving up strippers, like Kobe giving up basketball, like Snoop Dogg giving up weed.

So I decided I would impersonate this latter “ascetic”, picturing he had to embark in such a Homeric quest (though substituting weed with food). And that he had to write a paper on it called, as you already noticed, The Untold Truth1


[spoiler title=”ABSTRACT – VEG CHANGES2“]

If you a man that likes eatin like it’s one of them pillars of yo life, then goin vegan for a month is thug3. So object of the experiment was to see how yo relationship with food changes. You know a thug changes, and love changes, and best friends become strangers4.

That’s how I figured it would be. And well I ain’t sayin t’was like partyin like it’s still 1999 but it wasn’t as bad as them folks make it look. Now I know a good paper should present them results in the abstract. But hell with that, let them readers have a lil thrill!

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[spoiler title=”LITERATURE REVIEW – HEARD EM SAY5“]

A couple of days ago, I saw an article on the Italian news that read: “One month a vegan, here’s what I learned” (http://veggoanchio.corriere.it/2014/12/02/vegan-in-prova-per-un-mese-ecco-cosa-ho-imparato/). A lady went vegan for one month and wrote about it. Go figure I’d jumped on the same boat about the same period, so I could say somethin on this.

Shawty writes t’was hard; and I agree with that. Shawty writes she feelin estranged by her people; and I agree with that. Shawty wonders “do I really believe in this?”; and I agree with that. But then shawty writes she gone through some sorta epiphany, realizin the way she was relatin to food ain’t that right. She call herself a “selective omnivore”, meanin she be payin a hella lot more attention to what she eats now.

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Weird stuff, i guarantee

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[spoiler title=”METHODOLOGY – AIN’T NUTHIN BUT A (VE)G THANG6“]

You can’t have no meat of whatsoever kind, you can’t have no milk comin from whatsoever animal, you can’t have no eggs, no cheese. If you realize that a hella lot of what we eat goes thru an animal, you soon be left with nuthin else that leaves and legumes. Good thing I got pasta; watch fo the sauce though.

You have to keep yoself up, so either you learn cookin them veg recipes or in three days you have digested the whole range of plausible food. You gone eaten a hella lot of starch thru potatoes (but no mash cause there be milk in it), rice, pasta, bread. You be fillin yoself with so many carbos you think you be turnin into a diamond from Sierra Leone7 in no time.

You shouldn’t even wear no leather. But that’s somethin I turned down fo good. My thing centers on food-related feelings, not on savin the animal kingdom. I ain’t gonna eat no leather anyway, so it was no big fuzz.

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[spoiler title=”CONTEXTUAL VARIABLES – NO VEG IN THE WILD8“]

When you say “Imma be a vegan for a month”, be ready to face yo people. As I said, man has a passion fo food, he be surroundin himself with people that think his way.  Man says Imma stop being that for a while, world collapses. Maaan, they ain’t lettin you free no matter what you tell them. They remind you you a crazy-a** freak every single word they say or write to you.

Here some of them folks:

– Them HE AIN’T DOIN FINE folks; typically yo parents. They believe you need treatment cause going vegan simply ain’t you. They fear you be a vegan fo life. They pity you like some sorta beaten dog. “Poor thing” “There’s somethin wrong witcha” “We need talkin?”.

Hell no, I ain’t gone nuts but you sure makin me.

– Them JESTERS folks; typically yo best friends. Irony is what gathers em all. They attack yo virility by prankin you jumped the fence and gone to the other side. “Hey yo, this month a veggie, next month a faggie?” “Come tell me when you do the faggie month so I won’t be around!” “Man wants to go on a diet but he too ashamed. He a pu**y!”

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You forgive em cause they make you laugh a lil, at least

– Them TOO BAD YOU CAN’T folks; “Hey yo, there’s this new burger place that just opened. We kickin in. Ach, too bad you can’t!” “Awww man, yesterday I bitten them steaks like a lion on its prey. Damn I forgot you can’t, sorry ah!” “My momma just sent em new pastries. Man you don’t know what you missin!”

Tough to handle, that’s fo shizzle9

– Them I TOO AM A VEG (WHEN I DON’T EAT MEAT) folks; You ask yourself they mockin you or they fo real. Maybe they go vegetarian on a random basis, meaning one day they are, the next God knows. But I bet it they ain’t never gone proper vegan.

Then they talk to you about all that dump that true vegan eat (like tofu) and you be like “what did I do to deserve this?” harder than Rick Ross10

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[spoiler title=”FINDINGS – VEG LIFE11“]

Livin the veg life ain’t as hard as you might think. But you have to consider some facts

– First days are worse than when I need “orange” to rhyme when I’m writin. Y’all feel a lot weaker too and hungry like you not eatin even when you are.

– Be ready fo the people next to you. Outkast12 are a nice duo. But in real life bein a thug will prevent you from doin a lot of things you’d jump on like it’s a lowrider llac on hydraulics13

– Alcohol affects you more than befo. Though it might be only me.

The big poppa14 of them findings is that, hey, food ceases bein a big deal in yo life. You don’t think about it, you don’t dream of them nice feelings when you walk next to a nice restaurant, you just don’t care that much. It’s as simple as that. A small thing for them homies around you, but a hella big realization for you if you are a guy that loves food in every cuisine it can be cooked.

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[spoiler title=”CONCLUSION – STILL D.R.E.15“]

Now, lots of people been tellin me that it was all good fo nuthin. That if it’s just one month and you don’t believe in the cause, then you just did some sport. Couldn’t them be more wrong!

Maybe mankind be vegan in some hundred years, who knows. I ain’t gettin my nose into that. What I care about is behavior. I know it sounds nuts but givin up somethin that always been there, even for a lil while, well I say it adds somethin to the quest of understandin who you are. And that’s a path you ain’t gettin out of no matter what you sure of.

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Point one thing that has a special meaning to you and try say no to that for one month. Maybe you’d drop it after two days. Maybe you won’t even start. But maybe, homie you get to the end like I did and you figure you learned somethin. That’s the beauty of the contest: you can see what you really value in life. I thought I could not live without food. I realized I couldn’t live without ALL the things you do thanks to food, meeting them homies bein first.

Gotta go now. I got them 5-0s16 knockin at my door. The Dogg is back in the blazin biznezz, after all.

[/spoiler]
[spoiler title=”NOTES”]

1. The Untold Truth is a documentary about all-black baseball leagues back when formal segregation was still ruling in the US

2. All the titles are revisited hip hop songs. Here 2Pac – Changes, 1998

3. As 2Pac defined it, a thug is someone who is going through struggles, has gone through struggles, and continues to live day by day with nothing for them. That person is a thug. and the life they are living is the thug life

4. Nas – The Message, 1996

5. Kanye West – Heard em Say (feat. Adam Levine), 2005

6. Dr. Dre – Ain’t Nuthin but a G Thang (feat. Snoop Doggy Dogg), 1992. Snoop Dogg would drop the “Doggy” in its name in 1998

7. Kanye West – Diamonds from Sierra Leone (feat. JAY Z), 2005

8. JAY Z & Kanye West – No Church in the Wild, 2009

9. “for sure”. A way of talking typical of Snoop Dogg. He adds the suffix –izzle to many words

10. Rick Ross – Tears of Joy (feat. Cee Lo Green), 2009

11. Kanye West – Good Life (feat. T-Pain), 2007

12. Outkast are a rap duo, mostly known to public thanks to the single “Hey Ya”

13. A Cadillac with the modified hydraulics to make it bounce. It’s been stereotyped as the Gs’ car

14. The Notorious B.I.G. – Big Poppa, 1994

15. Dr. Dre – Still D.R.E. (feat. Snoop Dogg), 1999

16. A five-o is a cop

giphy.drop

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